Keepin My Game Tight- Part II, In Marriage

In Marriage:

"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are the devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard . . ." Surah An Nisaa (The Women), ayat 34, Holy Quran.

This ayat has been at the center of controversy perhaps for hundreds of years. Non-believers use it to deter women from entering Islam and oppressors use it to oppress our beautiful Muslim sisters. The bottom line is this: it is the word of GOD. If you can not find any good in it, it is because of your own ignorance or devious agenda. Here is the good I got from this beautiful ayat:

Men are the protectors and providers for their family, even if the woman is making more money, he is still responsible for the welfare of the family. But here's the kicker: women have an extremely important role in protecting and maintaining the safety and security of the household as well. I will give you an example:

There is a group of Muslim women sitting around talking loose about their marital affairs; this is a breech of security: a safety risk. If my husband is going through a tough time, it is my duty to uphold the dignity of the family, not to talk bad about him behind his back. Everything comes full circle. Muslims are just people and people are weak. Now everyone is looking at this brother sideways because his own wife has been slandering his character. People laugh and jest about him as soon as he leaves the room. And this is not just a reflection on him, but his household.

Seeking counseling from an Imam or other qualified source is encouraged in Islam, however backbiting and exposing the faults of ANYONE is forbidden. Insulting your spouse is like insulting yourself. If my husband is no good and I plan on staying with him, but I just want to slander his name, how can I consider myself to be any better than my no good husband?

Lesson of the Day: Keep my game tight. Allah gave me all the tools, but it’s up to me to use them. Allah knows Best.

Judge Not!

Keepin' My Game Tight: Part I, Faith

This slang phrase has long been popular amongst the gangsters and players. When one "keeps their game tight", they don't have any slip ups; every word and every move must be a calculated one, because any frivolous action or reaction made out of emotions could bring the roof tumbling down on their heads.

This anecdote can be applied to any area of life. This is how I have applied it in mine:

In Faith:

"Say, He is Allah the One; Allah, the Eternal, Absolute; He begetteth not, nor is He begotten; And there is none like unto Him."Surah Al-Iklas (The Purity of Faith), Holy Quran.

With this I remind myself that God is a merciful God, and can forgive just about anything with true repentance. Anything except associating partners with Him. This sin is a grave one and sometimes we commit it in stages. We get so wrapped up in our spouses, children, jobs, hobbies, mortgages, etc. that over time, we have eventually made these things our God. Allowing anyone or anything to completely occupy and determine your every thought and action is a form of worship.

If we define our existence by these things, what would happen to us should they no longer be present in our lives? Houses can be foreclosed, wealth can be lost, people will die. Shall we kill ourselves when these things happen? Shall we bury ourselves in grief layer upon layer until it is like you are dead? Certainly not.

Yes, I must keep my game tight. I mustn't get so wrapped up in my love for my family, that I rest my fate in their hands. I love them for the sake of Allah. If I live by this I can not be broken. I can not be deteriorated. My faith will be strong and unrelenting, God willing.

-Judge Not!

Finding my Purpose

I haven't posted any blogs in the past few days because I've been working on my lastest venture at Suite101. On this "soft news" site, I am a contributing publisher. When I first signed up, I thought- writing web articles and getting paid? Sounds like a great idea! However, I am now learning that, unlike blogging, writing news articles can be a grueling process. Especially when you are lacking a journalism degree.

Okay, this isn't supposed to be sounding all down and out- I do love it! It's just that I haven't been challenged in this way in a long time. In school, sometimes I would run from challenge- take the easy, lazy road. But now I am an adult with responsibilities and I realize that nothing is free in this world. For me, that means that even doing what you love to do can be very hard work, so one just has to learn to love working hard.

Writing for Suite 101 is a giant leap of faith because there is no garauntee that any revenue will be generated. By picking good topics and writing attractive titles, one can increase the likelyhood of web traffic going to their article, hence increasing the likelyhood of being paid by advertisers. So, here I go, once again, refining my purpose in life, paving a new road to travel. May Allah give us all strength in finding our purpose.

-Judge Not!

My Moral Mortality

Death. Dying. Dead. Fatality. Mortality. Grave. Mourning. Moving On.

Okay, I got if of my chest. Whew, That felt pretty good actually. This is a hard subject to talk about, whether it be in a blog, or with friends or even at a place of worship. We all know that death is the inevitable. As a Muslim I understand that "Every soul shall have the taste of death" Holy Quran 3:185. So I sit here in the middle of the night and I contemplate.

Initially, I think about the meaning of death; the moment of death. I ask myself, "How soon will I be forgotten on this Earth? A day? A month? A year? Twenty years? When will I become just a picture from another time buried in someones basement?" I know I am not supposed to be scared of death, but like many others, I struggle with that aspect. I'm just too darn inquisitive! I could keep myself up all night thinking about the Hows, Whys, Whens and Wheres. So instead I just decide to get it all out in these two paragraphs so I can move on to something much more tangible: LIFE.

I think this must be the key. For those of us who believe in an afterlife, we have to constantly consider what we are doing in this life that will affect our fate in the next. Will I be rewarded or punished? However, this is not our only driving force to do good by ourselves, our loved ones, and the society at large. Have you ever asked yourself why all the atheist of the world are not ruthless psycotic serial killers? Well fortunately for the human race, God has hard-wired us to want to do good(whether we accept his favor or not.) There will always be temptation to do bad, but for the overwhelming majority of the human race, WE WANT TO DO GOOD. Have you ever been in a situation when you know you can do something really wrong and get away with it, but you just don't do it? Or if you do act on your michieveous thoughts, you immediately feel a heavy weight of guilt? These are the attributes that makes us human: God's most complex creation.

Where am I going with this? LIVE YOUR LIFE THE BEST YOU CAN RIGHT NOW! Not a person on this earth knows the exact moment when they will breath their last breath, but we all know it's coming . . . sooner for some, later for the rest. We have no choice about of death, but we have the choice to do something good, bad or in between right now. Do something good for a complete sranger, or someone you love dearly. Don't get so overly consumed with the day to day struggles that you are not enjoying your life. Marrige, children, jobs, and worship can become so routine that we are not cherishing those special moments that make life so valuble. Many of life's seasons can be bittersweet: developing an aquired taste is the best advice I can give. Allah knows best!

-Judge Not!

MICHAEL JACKSON . . . The Soundtrack of My Childhood

Thriller, Beat it, Billie Jean, Black or White, Rock With You, Human Nature, The Girl is Mine . . . Need I say more? I googled "Michael Jackson" and 68 million websites popped up- 68 MILLION! I don't "worship" MJ, or even idolize him, but his impact on the history of the world cannot be ignored!

On rainy days, the NTA's used to play Michael Jackson Videos for all the students at my elementary school. I remember being in the second grade and hearing accusations of MJ molesting that young boy in 1992. At seven years old, I was simply disgusted with the accusation and vehemently defended Mr. Jackson; my conviction wasn't based on evidence or testimony, just on the simple known fact that HE WAS THE MAN. His dance skills superseded all others. His songs were catchy yet thoughtful; poppy yet R&B, smooth yet upbeat. There were songs for partying: Rock With You. Songs for love-making: You Are Not Alone. Songs for getting into mischief: Smooth Criminal or BAD. And songs for World Peace: Heal the World. There was a song for everyone and every occasion.

As I watch CNN at 3:04 am Friday, 12 hours after the death of the King of Pop, they are talking so much about the upcoming autopsy and the cause of his death. I would like to dedicate this blog not to Michael Jackson's death, but to his life. A life that has impacted millions of other lives. Not a God, but a man, with flaws, shortcomings and talent unmatched. Michael Jackson took his shahada several months back, therefore he is also my brother in Islam- May Allah grant you paradise, Michael.

My favorite Michael Jackson song? Man in the Mirror. We could all learn something from Man in The Mirror.

-Judge Not!

I AM WOMAN

I like to call myself a realistic feminist. First I must give my definition of an unrealistic feminist: A woman who believes that women are equal to men in every way, shape and form and should be treated as such. After giving birth to my daughter, I am left without a doubt that woman and man are NOT created equal: there is no way my husband could have survived childbirth! I mean seriously, our bodies are just built for it- yes even the 1st so-called "pregnant man" (which obviously proves that a woman can call themselves a man, but God can reveal otherwise.)

I think the women's liberation movement was great because the truth is that we live in a misogynist society and sometimes drastic measures have to be taken to acquire civil rights. All I ask, is do not take away my God given right to be a wonderful, powerful, strong, unique WOMAN. It doesn't bother me that my husband has more upper body strength. As I watch the ways in which we interact with our daughter, they are not the same, and I am thankful for that. Women and men have unique qualities to bring to the table- in business, education, marriage, and child-rearing- one not more important than the other. Allah has created us in a dynamic fashion that we may never fully understand, but we can accept. The sooner one accepts and appreciates their attributes , the sooner one will be secure with the mind, body and soul God gave them. THANK GOD FOR WOMAN! . . . AND MAN!

-Judge Not!

The Art of Arguing

True to the name of this blog, I am always digging for knowledge. After all, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) commanded for us to "Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave." However I have found that it is all to easy to slip into the mode of seeking conflict rather than truly seeking knowledge. Far too many times I will read an enlightening hadith or book written by a renowned scholar, then all of a sudden I think I am qualified enough to teach this precious new information to others. Then when someone disagrees with me, I feel the need to defend my point view to point where I find myself in a debate on a subject that I probably no very little about. Is it pride that drives me to the point of arguing with my fellow Muslims and beloved non-Muslim family and friends? Do I harvest an insatiable hunger to be right all the time? Surely I cannot be that egotistical? Well, I won't be that hard on myself, but I noticed that sometimes I can get so wrapped up in proving a point, that I myself is not willing to accept a different point of view. What happen to agreeing to disagree? I've discovered that when it comes to matters of religion, people are very sensitive because it is hard to admit that we have been serving our Lord incorrectly, whether through dress, prayer, or understanding our holy books. Ego also plays a part- a man doesn't want to be corrected by a woman, or an Arab by an Indonesian, or a parent by a child, or a teacher by a student, or an American convert by an Muslim-born immigrant . . . and the list goes on.

I think we can all learn to teach to and learn from each other with a greater sense of sensitivity and wisdom: maybe we are both right or perhaps we could both be wrong. Whatever the case, always seek refuge with Allah from the whisperings of the shatan before entering a discussion. Ask Allah to purify your intentions so that we are not just intentionally starting an argument for the sake of being right.

Judge Not!

JUDGE NOT!

My dear parents came to visit me from Philadelphia and of course I had to take them to see the sights and the lights of the Las Vegas strip. So I prepared myself for the too close for comfort crowds, the smoky casinos, and all the haram goings-on, but I did not prepare to JUDGE NOT. . . I was fine at first cruising from casino to casino pushing my baby stroller, wearing a colorful hijab and matching tunic. Then we landed at the Fashion Show mall food court. As my parents chowed down, my eye caught a glimpse of a scantily clad young woman laughing with her friends. All of a sudden I became fixated on this woman, clad in a purple spandex mini-dress, sparkly gold strappy platform heels, platinum gold long hair extensions, too-blue-to-be-true contact lenses, and enough make-up to paint the Sistine Chapel! My fixation quickly progressed to obsession as I thought: “Wow, she really thinks she’s cute. Ha!" “I mean she’s dressed like a two-dollar whore!” “No respectable man would be attracted to THAT!” Then I became all pious, thinking: “Poor thing, she needs Islam”. “She just doesn’t know any better. SHE IS LOST”.

Well, the truth is, I still have fleeting thoughts about that woman I saw in the food court over a month ago. I went home that night and pondered on why I had reacted in such a vehement fashion. My conclusion: She is me and I am her. I did to her what many people may be doing to me everyday. I judged her; and that was a dangerous thing. Once we start making assumptions about each other, we start to categorize them and usually we use this compartmentalizing to then elevate ourselves above our own downfalls and imperfections, i.e. “I am better because . . .” In my situation, who was more in the wrong; the woman in the tight dress or the woman in the hijab who judged and slandered the woman in the tight dress? As Muslims, we often recite Allah Knows Best, but do we really believe it and put it into practice?

Let’s not forget that all of us have a story and all of us have secrets that only a few people know, or maybe that only you and Allah know. As headlines in February wrote, “Muslim TV Mogul Muzzammil Hassan’s alleged beheading of wife, Asiya Hassan, may be honor killing”, I thought Oh God, Islam will surely be blamed for this one! Society has shown us many clear examples of how dangerous judging can be, yet we continue to cast fellow Muslims and fellow human beings into the hellfire. Allah is the only one with that authority because he is the only one who sees into the hearts of men.

We are far from perfect as individuals and we are far from perfect as Muslims. We can’t give dawah (inviting others to Islam) by pointing and whispering and we certainly can’t build our iman (faith) by shifting the blame. We all have skeletons in the closet, so when you see someone with their bones exposed, remember you are one soft layer away from being exposed yourself! These ayats have helped me think twice before I judge, and InshAllah (God willing) it will help you too. Read. Recite. Absorb.

Al Maida (5:48-50) Holy Qur’an

“To thee we sent the scripture in truth, confirming the scripture that came before it, and guarding it in safety: so judge between them what Allah hath revealed, and follow not their vain desires, diverging from the truth that hath come to thee. To each among you have we prescribed a law and an open way. If Allah had so willed, he would have made you a single people, but (His plan is) to test you in what He hath given you: so strive as in a race in all virtues. The goal of you all is with Allah; it is he that shows you the truth of the matters in which ye dispute;

And this (He commands): Judge thou between them by what Allah hath revealed, and follow not their vain desires, but beware of them lest they beguile thee from any of that (teaching) which Allah has sent down to thee. And if they turn away, be sure that for some of their crimes it is Allah's purpose to punish them. And truly most men are rebellious.

Do they then seek after a judgment of (The Days of) Ignorance? But who, for a people whose faith is assured, can give better judgment that Allah?”

That’s deep. Allah knows best.

Wives . . . one . . .two . . .three. . . or four?

There is always a lot of talk in the community amongst the brothers and the sisters about brothers acquiring multiple wives and/ wives from overseas. I would like to start a forum on the subject supported by findings from the Qur’an and Examples of the Holy Prophet (PBUH), the sunnah.

We have recently concluded a two month study of the Prophet’s wives in our Sisters class at the masjid. In no way does this deem me a scholar on the subject, but I did learn some beautiful and useful things about The Holy Prophet (PBUH) and his dealings with marriage. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had eleven wives (give or take one depending on your source). His marriage to Khadijah, his first wife, lasted for 25 years, during which time he was monogamous. After Khadijah died, over the span of the rest of his prophethood he married Sauda, Ayesha, Hafsa, Zainab, Ume Salima, Zainab d/o Jahash Al Assadya, Javeria, Ramla Ume Habibah, Safia, and Maimona- May Allah be Pleased with the all. Ayesha was the only never married virgin the Prophet (PBUH) married. All the other wives were widows, freed slaves, or divorcees.

I will be the first to say I am not a scholar or shehka of any sort and may Allah forgive me if I have missed the mark in this article, but my intentions are not malicious. When we studied the example of the Prophet (PBUH), we learned that after the death of Khadijah, the Holy Prophet took on the other ten wives over time with the noblest intentions and all of his marriages symbolized something of a greater good for the Ummah.

. . .Marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or that your right hand possesses. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.
Holy Quran, An-Nisaa:3

To my understanding, Allah has given man a great mercy and protection with this surah. This surah can protect men from committing an abominable sin- zina: adultery. Taking more than one wife can also make a community stronger by cutting down on the rate of single women and orphans, if there are not enough eligible men in the community. There are many blessings in polygamy as can be seen in the examples of the Holy Prophet (PBUH). The Holy Prophet said,

“Oh young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances) and preserves one from immorality”

Marriage is 50% of our dean and should be respected and upheld as such. My concern lies where some brothers are not taking accountability for their matrimonial choices, or perhaps more concerning are the types of conversations that are taking place concerning this subject. I will address the African American Muslim community because that is what I am familiar with. We must reflect on the ayat,

. . . that is nearer to you to prevent you from doing injustice. An-Nisaa:3

I’m going to talk straight for a moment- Why is taking up a second wife so illuminating of a topic amongst many black brothers who have already done an injustice to our community by having multiple children out of wedlock who they barely see, much less have a parental role? Don’t get me wrong, I love my brothers and give them my endless support. I also understand the struggles with dealing with non-Muslim mothers of your children who may reject your faith and the influence you have in your children’s lives. Unfortunately that does not diminish the fact that fatherless children is an epidemic in the black community. 70% of black children are born to single mothers. Compared to their two parent counterparts, these children are far less likely to get a high school diploma, much less a college degree. These children (especially boys) are more likely to be in and out of the penitentiary and more likely to repeat the trend of having children out of wedlock.

Muslims are not exempt from these statistics. According to Islam city.com, the Muslim divorce rate is about 1/3. However I would hypothesize that number being larger among Black Muslims because I witness many marriages that never get officially recorded, and end shortly after in divorce. My question is- What happens to the children? There are many brothers who have children from previous relationships who they are not taking a hand in raising. Sadly, sometimes instead brothers empowering each other to be better fathers and husbands to the ones they have, there is immense encouragement for these brothers to take on more wives.

. . . that is nearer to you to prevent you from doing injustice. An-Nisaa:3

What if taking on a second, third, or fourth wife is doing an injustice to your family, the Ummah, and the community? I also have heard some African-American Muslim brothers complain about black women- black muslim women! The oath that their next wife will be from overseas. Allah (SWT) has taught us that no race is superior or inferior to another, and the Holy Prophet (PBUH) married women from different tribes. I love my Muslimahs from overseas and May Allah bless their marriages to whomever they choose. The issue I am raising is of the self-hatred many African Americans have. If you hate black women and you are black that means you hate your mothers, your daughters, your lineage. Even if you had children before you took your shahada, it is against Islam to discard of them as you attempt to embark on the path of the mustaqin (righteous).

Like many masjids across the country, the one I attend is located in a ghetto, amidst the drug dealers, pimps, and poverty. I grew up in similar surroundings in Philadelphia. As Muslims, we have to get off our high horse and ask ourselves “Have I contributed to the degradation of my community?” It is my guess that we have all at some point in time been enablers to the dilapidation of our community. This article was not intended in any way to attack our wonderful Muslim brothers who have denounced so much of the jahilliyah to do better for themselves and for the Ummah. At Masjid As-Sabur, I am witness to the selfless acts of brothers who serve Allah though worship and community service. This is merely a reminder that we can all do better. The black community is in dire need for us to lead by example. As Muslims it is our obligation to ask Allah to set us on the righteous path so that we may all step up and do the right thing by making decisions that will prevent us from doing an injustice.
Allah Knows Best.

-Judge Not!

Explaining the concept of “ethical relativism”. What is it’s ever increasing impact on the world?

Ethic relativism leaves every culture to it’s own devices when deciding what is the proper code of conduct. Ethics dictates to us what is right and wrong, fueling our decision making processes. Ethic relativism means that no one culture’s ethics are superior to another’s, and forbids people from passing judgment on a culture’s ethics which are dissimilar from their own.

Ethic relativism could be a great asset to intercultural communication. If the simple concept of empathizing with other peoples ethics was widely practiced, global miscommunications could be avoided. This concept teaches us that we can agree to disagree and still coexist. I agree with ethic relativism to an extent, however living in a culturally diverse nation, I can also see the need for some ethic universalism.

This first example that came to my mind was the controversial Prop 8 decision in California banning same-sex marriage. There has been a tremendous backlash from the Gay community onto the Mormon Church because of their advertisements denouncing Gay marriage. In this case, ethic relativism was not practiced because the government handed over the power to the citizens of California to decide over one groups rights. Should the citizens be faulted because they voted according to their own ethics? Ethics is the system we all use to make decisions, so why would this instance be an exception? Many religious people believe gay marriage is sac-religious. The Qur’an teaches Muslims that we cannot force others to come to Islam, and also that we must obey the laws of our land, as long as they do not go against the laws God has written for us in the Holy Qur’an. I think many religious people believe there is a thin line between respecting other people’s lifestyles and condoning those lifestyles. This is why I believe the Gay community’s backlash in this instance was misdirected.

Anyone who advertised either for or against Prop 8 were simply enacting their American right to openly express their point of view. I think the Gay community’s outrage would have been better directed at the government who allowed the decision to be openly voted on, therefore allowing peoples cultures and ethics dictate marital rites for homosexuals. As American citizens, we all agree to live somewhat in a universal ethic system which is laid out by our constitution. Perhaps that is where Prop 8 should have remained- in the judicial system to be decided upon based on our constitution.

-Judge Not!

A Family That Prays Together . . . Stays Together

This old Christian saying is all too applicable to the Muslim Ummah. After all, we are a family, and in a family there exists a variety of dynamic personalities. In America, Muslims are literally from opposite ends of the earth, sometimes making it awkward or even controversial to come together.

Ash hadu an la ilaha illalah wa ash hadu ana Muhammadur rasulullah.
There is no G_d but Allah, and Muhammad is the messenger of Allah.

This statement is our commonplace; it is our best trait; it is what we live by. We must ask Allah to strengthen and optimize our relationships with our Muslim brothers and sisters. I could say this a million times until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t help if I do not take the first step towards changing my ways. It is all too easy at times to choose one’s culture over one’s religion because a large part of who we are stems from our lineage and the environment in which we were raised. But when we are deep in our graves, we will not be asked from what country we hail, but we will be asked who is our G_d and what is our religion. Having pleasure in enjoying one’s culture and people is great and will probably make you a more confident individual. As Muslims we have to know the difference between being comfortable in our own skin and secluding ourselves to the point where we have become prejudice and close minded to other Muslims- our brothers and sisters.

Everyone knows the famous hadith, “Seek knowledge, even if you have to go to China.” Well, I’ve got great news: there is volumes of knowledge right beneath your noses: in the wisdom and good tidings of your fellow Muslims. It is amazing the knowledge we can absorb by listening to a sister that has traveled the world; or a brother who converted to Islam in prison and has a special love for the deen because it literally saved his life; or the Muslim that grew up being “culturally Muslim” overseas but didn’t really start practicing until arriving on American soil. We have so much to offer each other.

The first thing we can do is ask Allah to forgive us for our prejudices and our pride. The second thing we can do is step our game up a notch. By that I mean if you always make salat at the same masjid, go to jummah or a class at another masjid. If you always have the same people over for dinner and talk about the same things, have someone different over. If you feel as though you are not ready to dive in head first into the Muslim melting pot, read biographies/autobiographies about Muslims from different walks of life. I guarantee it will broaden your horizons! We may not agree on which moon sighting to follow to end our fast, or how covered is covered enough for Muslimahs, but we all agree on one thing: Ash hadu an la illaha illalah wa ash hadu anna Muhammadur rasulullah. So we need to remember everything else is water under the bridge. -

Allah knows best!

Judge Not!